First Portrait

‘Screamin’ Red,’ 6″ x 8″, oil on paper.

I know, it’s a weird first portrait. Good for Halloween, though, yes? This portrait is based upon a photograph from a book entitled “Facial Expressions,” by Mark Simon. I have no idea what the copyright laws are here.

This is one of several paintings that I need to finish before I dedicate myself to my Big Idea (see previous post). I have a lot to learn, still, about color and paint, form and light.

Nevertheless, I’m proud of this painting. Each piece of work that I finish brings me closer to my ultimate goal of supporting myself as an artist.

This portrait is by no means typical – but then, it being my first, who is to say? Perhaps I’ll start a series of portraits of moods. This first one is terror, which, now that I think about it, is apropos. Because you see, each first step I take is terrifying. I’ve been hiding for so long, that coming out into the light is overwhelming. There is so much I don’t know, so much I have to do.

I have spent the last few decades lying to myself and hiding behind weakness. Deciding to stop lying to myself and to begin to try on strength – well. It’s exhausting, first of all. I’ve mentioned, haven’t I, that it’s terrifying?

And once you decide to stop lying to yourself, you can’t .. ehm .. stop. There are the bad habits of blaming others and lashing out, of course, that need ironing out slowly. Can’t be sloppy there. Once you decide to be honest, you must then also examine the life you’ve built, your relationships.

First of all your relationship to yourself, and then to others: are you being honest in your relationships? Do you let things slide but secretly resent your choice to let things slide? How much do you let slide? Where does one make allowances and where does one hold the line? Slippery stuff, if you’re new to it.

Never mind family dynamics. What are the habits there? How does each person relate to the other? Habits formed before memory was fully functional, and now – NOW – you need to change them. Alarming for unsuspecting family members who are expecting you to be as you’ve always been. Alarming to yourself, because without those habits, you are absolutely and completely at sea. No Coast Guard. No life raft. Just a lot of choppy water getting swallowed and sand chafing you on the inside of your bathing suit. Salt in your eyes.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Bills must get paid; appointments attended; work, both paid and unpaid, accomplished. Blogs posted and paintings painted.

Thank you for being here.